The Trust Trap in Leadership & Life

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Listen to this week’s podcast episode, Ep.192: The Trust Trap in Leadership & Life, and How to Trust Without Getting Burned, with Clay Moffat, using the player below, or click here.

Redefining Trust: From Fairy Tales to the Real World

How do you decide who to trust? Most of us think of trust as a feeling, a gut instinct, a virtue. We assign trust to others like a permanent trait someone either has or doesn’t. Once they pass the ‘trust threshold’ they’re forever trustworthy… But what if that’s looking at it completely the wrong way?

In this week’s Leading with Integrity, I spoke with Clay Moffat, author of The Trust Trap and coach to high-performing leaders who’ve had enough of being screwed over, by others and themselves. Clay’s take on trust is both challenging and refreshing.

As he put it, trust isn’t a characteristic, it’s a dynamic process. It’s not something that exists in isolation or as a moral quality, but rather the result of a mutually beneficial relationship: “I can trust you to do the right thing by me as long as it’s in your best interest to do the right thing by me. And you can trust me to do the right thing by you as long as it’s in my best interest to do that.”

Because while leaders often talk about ‘building trust’ few stop to ask what trust actually is or why it so often breaks down. Clay’s view challenges the fairy-tale version of the idea that many of us grew up with, the one reinforced by culture, stories, and corporate slogans. As he explains it, we’re conditioned to see trust as something pure and permanent, when in fact it’s situational, context-dependent, and shaped by mutual incentives.

The Trust Trap & Why We Get It Wrong

Clay describes what he calls the trust trap: a combination of evolutionary psychology, social conditioning, and the brain’s desire to conserve energy. Our brains, he explained, are energy conservation machines burning through around 20% of our energy while making up only 2% of our body weight. Because of that, we rely heavily on shortcuts like pattern recognition and familiarity.

The result? Once we decide someone is ‘safe’ our brains create a mental shortcut that resists new information, even when red flags appear. It’s a mechanism designed to keep us efficient but in modern relationships and workplaces, it can leave us blind to risk.

And that’s how smart, well-meaning leaders (and followers) fall into the trap: assuming trust is permanent, absolute, or binary.

Clay and I agreed that trust isn’t on or off, it’s a spectrum or a scale. Context and incentives constantly shift, and so does trust. He likened it to checking alignment between two people, are we still moving in the same direction? Is this still mutually beneficial?

When we fail to re-evaluate trust, it may feel like we’re being loyal or a good person, but in many ways (especially in the workplace) it’s a form of complacency.

The Betrayal You Don’t See Coming

One of the most powerful ideas Clay shares is that betrayal rarely comes from others first, it starts with ourselves.

He told me, “You’ll never be betrayed by anyone more than yourself.”

Think about that for a moment.

When people tell stories of being blindsided by a colleague, a friend, or a boss, most can later see the signs were there all along. They noticed the subtle changes in tone, the inconsistencies, the warning signs, but rationalised them away.

That’s not stupidity, it’s a form of self-preservation. We ignore discomfort because acknowledging it would mean re-evaluating our assumptions, our history with that person, or even our own judgement. And that’s painful, so we default to what’s comfortable, the “frozen representation” of who we think that person is; instead of who they’ve become or what their current actions are telling us.

Leaders, in particular, fall victim to this pattern. They rationalise poor performance, dismiss toxic behaviour, or overlook misalignment because it’s easier to believe the story that ‘this person has always been loyal.’

Radical Responsibility and the Leadership Connection

This all ties directly to leadership. At its core, leadership is about trust, but not the idealised kind that’s immune to scrutiny. It’s the trust that comes from accountability and clarity.

Clay’s military background adds weight to his perspective. In one story he recalled during our conversation this week, he told the story of a senior officer who failed to take responsibility for a team’s poor performance, instead choosing to blame the crew. That moment became a defining leadership lesson for him: accountability isn’t optional, it’s the foundation of trust.

It’s a pattern he’s seen repeated in civilian leadership too. Whether in the Navy or in business, people prefer simple explanations like “he’s just a bad boss” or “that’s just how she is,” because those beliefs absolve them from action. But, as Clay points out, if you believe people “just are the way they are” you’ve eliminated your own ability to influence or change anything.

True leadership means choosing ownership over excuses, even when the fault seems mostly external.

In Clay’s words, “You can’t change what you don’t own.”

And if leaders want genuine trust from their teams, they need to start by holding themselves accountable not just for outcomes, but for the systems and relationships that produce them.

Learning to Trust Without Getting Burned

So how can we trust wisely without becoming cynical or paranoid?

Clay’s answer lies in self-awareness and regular calibration. Trust, he says, isn’t something you have, it’s something you do. It’s an active, ongoing process of evaluating alignment, incentives, and patterns.

And when things go wrong, as they inevitably will, the response matters more than the mistake. He shared an example from his own business, where he delegated financial responsibilities to an external service provider who later failed to file critical paperwork. The experience cost him dearly and taught him the difference between delegating and abdicating.

Delegation still involves oversight and accountability. Abdication removes it, and that’s when trust turns to blind faith and creates potential for huge consequences. Absent leadership isn’t leadership.

By choosing to take full responsibility rather than blame the other party, Clay reinforced one of his central messages: trust begins with self-leadership and you can’t expect others to honour commitments you won’t uphold yourself.

Takeaways for Leaders

Clay’s insights into trust, betrayal, and human behaviour go far beyond theory. They’re practical lessons for anyone who leads people (or wants to). Here are a few reflections worth holding onto:

• Trust is dynamic, not static: It changes with context, individuals, incentives, values, and alignment.

• Betrayal starts with self-betrayal: Ignoring red flags doesn’t protect relationships; it just destroys them slowly.

• Accountability builds trust: Taking ownership, even when you share blame, is how credibility grows.

• Delegation requires engagement: Trusting others with responsibility doesn’t mean walking away from it or denying leadership accountability.

• Relationships have seasons: Letting them evolve or end isn’t failure, it’s part of growth.

Ultimately, trust isn’t about faith or perfection. It’s about awareness.

Of yourself, your people, and the shifting dynamics that shape every relationship.

Closing Thoughts

When trust becomes clarity, leaders become credible. Clay’s work reminds us that trust isn’t something to be given lightly, nor hoarded defensively.

It’s built moment-by-moment, through self-awareness, integrity, and courage.

And while it can’t protect us from disappointment, it can help us navigate it with resilience and grace.

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I really enjoyed this conversation, and Clay’s take on the seemingly basic concepts we too often take for granted. To hear the whole conversation, you’ll find the links here (or search “Leading with Integrity” wherever you get your podcasts): https://smartlink.ausha.co/leading-with-integrity/ep-192-the-trust-trap-in-leadership-life-and-how-to-trust-without-getting-burned-with-clay-moffat-leadership

You can also watch the conversation on YouTube: https://youtu.be/SXPuvlJvjnk

I hope to see you again next week, when I’ll be talking with Marc Koehler, who will be sharing what he’s learned about the principles of effective leadership and the importance of fostering a culture of trust and collaboration from his previous career as a Nuclear Submarine Officer in the US Navy and beyond.

And until then, Be a Leader, Not a Boss!

- David

In case you don’t know me that well, I’m David Hatch and I’m here to help new managers and first-time founders with their leadership skills, so they can become leaders not bosses, lead with integrity, and build happier, higher performing teams, more effective organisations, and, ultimately: successful businesses.

Be more Jedi. Become the leader you wish you’d had, and come join my online leadership community. If you have a healthy love of sci-fi and want to learn more about leadership, then this is the community for you. Solopreneurs also welcome. 😉

Here’s the link: Integrity Leaders: Community membership and learning, for new leaders or first-time founders.