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Listen to this week’s podcast episode, Ep.215: What Kind of Leadership Do We Want? Power, Patriarchy and Choosing Your Own Way, with Christian de la Huerta, using the player below, or click here.

One leadership question that too often comes much too late in the journey, is a deep question, one that sits underneath all of those tools and models yet is both meaningful/philosophical and has practical implications: What kind of leadership do you actually want to practice, and why?

This week on Leading with Integrity, I’m joined by Christian de la Huerta, a business and relationships coach whose work centres on power, identity, and conscious choice. Our conversation moves well beyond titles and roles, into how leadership is shaped by culture, gender norms, family systems, and unexamined ideas about authority.

Most leaders didn’t consciously choose their first leadership blueprint. It arrived through observation, reward systems, and survival strategies; following the example (for good or ill) of the last boss they had, or leader they followed. Christian speaks to how many dominant leadership models are rooted in patriarchal thinking, where power is linked to control, certainty, hierarchy, and emotional distance.

These patterns often persist not because they work well, but because they are familiar. I’ve spoken about this in the past in the context of ‘traditional’ leadership approaches like the autocratic-heirarchy; they persist even in the face of numerous, better alternatives often because they embedded, known, and easy to implement/continue.

In many organisations, authority still flows downward, vulnerability is treated as risk, and success is measured through external validation rather than internal alignment. Leaders learn quickly which behaviours are praised, which are punished, and which are ignored. Cultures are defined by the worst behaviour permitted (or ignored).

The challenge Christian raises is not whether these systems exist, but whether we continue to participate in them by default. Leadership becomes problematic when power is used to protect identity rather than to serve people. This can show up as defensiveness, micromanagement, an inability to listen, or an over-reliance on status.

For new managers or founders, this is especially relevant. When responsibility increases, so does the temptation to perform leadership rather than practice it. Without reflection, people often repeat what they have seen, even when it conflicts with their values.

One of the most useful distinctions in this conversation is between power over and power within. Christian frames leadership power as something that begins internally, through self-awareness, boundaries, and choice, rather than through position or authority.

Leaders who have not examined their relationship with power often swing between two extremes. Either they over-assert, using control to manage fear and uncertainty, or they withdraw, avoiding decisions to remain liked or safe. Neither creates trust, both reduce the odds of success.

Reclaiming personal power does not require domination. It requires clarity: leaders who are grounded in their own values can make decisions without needing to prove themselves. They can hold ‘authority’ without becoming authoritarian. They can listen without collapsing their role. They can build trust without compromising who they are.

This is particularly important for leaders who feel caught between expectations. Many are trying to lead teams while also unlearning outdated ideas about leadership, masculinity, success, or strength. Christian’s work invites leaders to separate power from aggression, and confidence from rigidity.

When leaders are willing to examine their own conditioning, they gain more choice in how they show up.

Another thread running through the episode is the cost of performing leadership rather than embodying it. Many leaders spend years playing a role they believe is required, often at the expense of authenticity, connection, or well-being. We’ve all done it to some extent, right? How often have you found yourself offering an answer that you’re not really sure of, because you felt that as ‘the leader’ your role was to know all the answers?

Christian’s background in relationship coaching brings an added layer here. He points out that leadership struggles often mirror personal patterns like the need for approval, fear of conflict, or discomfort with authority; these rarely appear at work alone, they are dynamics that tend to follow people across contexts.

When leaders suppress parts of themselves to fit an expected image, teams often feel it. Communication becomes guarded. Feedback is filtered. Creativity narrows. Over time, this creates distance rather than respect. Suspicion instead of trust. Humans are great lie detectors (most of the time) and we pick up on the subtle, subconscious, signals that someone isn’t being 100% genuine, honest, or is uncomfortable with their projected leadership persona.

Leadership that is consciously chosen allows for a different outcome. It doesn’t mean oversharing or blurring boundaries. It means leading from values rather than performance. Leaders who are aligned internally are more consistent externally, which builds trust even during uncertainty.

This matters deeply for founders and solopreneurs as well, when the business is an extension of the self, unresolved identity questions tend to surface quickly, which means that: choosing how you lead becomes inseparable from choosing how you live.

A recurring theme in the conversation is choice. Not the illusion of choice within rigid systems, but genuine agency over how leadership is expressed. Christian encourages leaders to question inherited norms and decide which ones still serve them.

This can feel risky.

Challenging established power structures often invites resistance, leading with empathy in competitive environments can be misunderstood (often incorrectly perceived as ‘weakness’). Refusing to lead through fear may slow short-term results.

Yet the long-term consequences of unexamined leadership are far greater. Burnout, disengagement, high turnover, and ethical drift rarely arrive suddenly. They build quietly through small compromises and unspoken discomfort.

Choosing a different path does not require perfection, but attention. Leaders can ask themselves simple but demanding questions…

What am I protecting here?
Who benefits from this decision?
Am I leading from fear or from values?

These questions are not abstract, they shape conversations, policies, and relationships.

Over time, they also shape culture.

One of the strongest takeaways from this episode is the idea that leadership is relational, not positional. Theoretical “Authority” and “Power” may come with a role, but they don’t mean real leadership (in my experience they’re often mutually exclusive to the practical ability to lead real people in real situations). So if authority and power aren’t it, then leadership is earned through presence, listening, and consistency.

Christian’s work highlights how much leadership happens in the unseen moments. How a leader responds to challenge, handle disagreement, how willing they are to be influenced. These moments communicate more than any mission statement or barked command.

For leaders who want to build healthier teams, this means paying attention to human dynamics, not just outcomes. It means recognising when power is being used to shut down conversation rather than to support clarity.

Leadership that honours relationships doesn’t avoid accountability but strengthens it. People are more willing to engage, contribute, and take responsibility when they feel seen rather than overseen.

As organisations change and expectations shift, the question is no longer whether leadership needs to evolve, but how intentionally that evolution happens. Christian’s perspective challenges leaders to move beyond surface-level change and into deeper self-examination.

The future of leadership is unlikely to be defined by charisma or command. It will be shaped by self-awareness, emotional literacy, and the ability to hold power without misusing it. That kind of leadership cannot be imposed, it must be chosen.

For anyone stepping into leadership for the first time, or reconsidering how they lead now, this episode offers an invitation to redefine power and authority. Not to abandon structure, but to humanise it.

Leadership, at its best, reflects who we are becoming, not just what we have been taught.

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Catch the full episode with Christian here: https://smartlink.ausha.co/leading-with-integrity/ep-215-what-kind-of-leadership-do-we-want-power-patriarchy-and-choosing-your-own-way-with-christian-de-la-huerta

Or, if you prefer video, then watch on YouTube (now in glorious 4K Technicolor…!) at: https://youtu.be/lP3P-NU1JP8

Tune in next week for a conversation about the psychology of appreciation, from the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, to leadership, neurodiversity, family businesses and more, with my next guest: Dr Paul White.

Until next time: Be a Leader Not a Boss,

- David

P.S. Apologies for the delayed publishing this week, some technical gremlins got in the way!! Normal schedule resumes with next week’s edition.

In case you don’t know me that well, I’m David Hatch and I’m here to help new managers and first-time founders with their leadership skills, so they can become leaders not bosses, lead with integrity, and build happier, higher performing teams, more effective organisations, and, ultimately: successful businesses.

If you’re a new manager or first-time leader and you’re feeling lonely, stuck, overwhelmed, or simply ready for your next chapter in leadership, the Integrity Leaders Community offers conversations, courses, resources and support to help you grow one step at a time. If you have a healthy love of sci-fi and want to learn more about leadership, then this is the community for you! Solopreneurs also welcome. 😉

Here’s the link: Integrity Leaders: Community membership and learning, for new leaders or first-time founders.