Reading the Room: How to Build Rapport and Lead with Awareness

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Listen to this week’s podcast episode, Ep.196: How to Build Rapport with Your Colleagues and Lead like a Spy, with Jeremy Hurewitz, using the player below, or click here.

Leadership Lessons from the World of Spies

It’s not every day you get to compare leadership with espionage, but that’s exactly what this week’s episode of Leading with Integrity does. My guest, Jeremy Hurewitz, spent years in international relations, diplomacy, and intelligence before writing his book ‘Sell Like a Spy’ and stepping into the world of speaking & consulting. Today, he helps business leaders use the principles of corporate spy-craft to build trust, read situations, and connect more effectively with others.

Jeremy’s work isn’t about cloak-and-dagger secrecy and he quickly debunks many of the myths and popular depictions of ‘spies’, because in his experience, it’s really about understanding people deeply, intuitively, and without judgment. As he puts it, the best intelligence work and the best leadership share a common foundation: curiosity, empathy, and the ability to build genuine rapport.

In our conversation this week, we explore what leaders can learn from spies about reading human behaviour, listening beneath the surface, ‘radical empathy’, and creating environments where people feel safe enough to tell the truth.

The Power of Observation

Jeremy began by describing one of the most underrated leadership skills there is: paying attention. In the intelligence world, observation isn’t just about seeing what’s in front of you; it’s about noticing patterns, pauses, and inconsistencies. The same applies in leadership. “You can learn a lot,” he said, “by just shutting up for a bit.”

That silence isn’t passive, but strategic. Too many leaders feel the need to fill every gap with words or directives, to speak first and loudest, when in fact those gaps are often where insight lives; insights that we miss by being the first to open our mouths.

Jeremy explained that during his time in the field, he’d often spend days observing before making contact. He’d watch who people listened to, how they interacted, and what wasn’t being said.

Translating that into the corporate world means reading the emotional climate of a room, picking up on who’s uncomfortable, who’s checked out, or who’s holding back. The leader who notices those small shifts gains an edge, not through manipulation, but through understanding.

Rapport: The Hidden Currency of Leadership

Building rapport is something spies train for relentlessly and it’s something most leaders underestimate. Jeremy describes rapport not as flattery or friendliness, but as alignment. It’s about making someone feel seen and respected enough to open up. You can’t influence someone who doesn’t trust you, he says, and you can’t build trust if you’re not genuinely interested in them.

That means setting aside assumptions, slowing down, and letting people tell their story before you impose your own. In intelligence work, you can’t afford to project your beliefs onto someone, it can be too risky. The same rule applies in leadership.

He shared an example from his consulting work with executives: one leader was struggling to get buy-in from a skeptical team. Jeremy had him stop selling the vision and start asking questions about what mattered to the team, what they feared, and what success looked like to them. Within a few weeks, the tone in the room had shifted completely.

Rapport builds influence, but it also builds integrity. When people feel seen, they speak honestly. And honest communication is what prevents the small problems from becoming big ones.

Empathy, Not Manipulation

There’s an obvious danger in comparing leadership to espionage… it conjures images of manipulation and deceit. But Jeremy is quick to draw the line: “Spies are experts at developing relationships,” he says, “So I like to describe them as relationship managers.” So, just like great leaders, the best spies aren’t manipulators; they’re listeners, relationship builders.

In intelligence work, trust is fragile and once broken, it’s gone for good. The same is true in leadership, to an extent. But we’ve also seen in the past that lost trust can be rebuilt, so maybe there’s hope for leaders (and this speaks to the big difference, the stakes aren’t as high for a business leader, usually, as they are for a spy).

You can’t coerce someone into loyalty, you have to earn it through consistency and respect. Jeremy calls this ethical persuasion. It’s not about getting people to do what you want, but helping them understand why your goals and theirs align, and that’s the key difference between a manipulator and a leader: intent.

Leaders who use empathy as a strategy, rather than a value, eventually get found out. But those who use empathy as a way of understanding others, and genuinely care about what they discover, build the kind of credibility that lasts.

Curiosity as a Leadership Tool

Curiosity sits at the heart of both intelligence gathering and leadership. It’s what turns observation into insight. Jeremy described how spies are trained to ask open-ended questions, not ‘yes or no’ ones, but prompts that invite people to share what they think and feel. The goal, he explains, isn’t to get information but to understand perspective.

That approach works equally well in the workplace. Leaders who ask better questions don’t just uncover data, they uncover motivation, find out what drives their people, what holds them back, and what makes them proud.

Curiosity also helps diffuse conflict - instead of reacting to defensiveness or frustration, you can say, “That’s interesting, tell me more…” and suddenly, tension becomes dialogue.

It’s a deceptively simple shift, but it can change the culture of an entire organisation.

Lessons from the world of espionage

There are several lessons from Jeremy’s experience that translate directly to leadership:

• Pay attention: Observation isn’t passive, it’s data collection. Watch what people do, not just what they say.

• Build rapport before influence: Trust opens doors that authority never will.

• Stay curious: Ask questions to understand, not to confirm your assumptions.

• Be transparent with intent: Manipulation destroys credibility; empathy builds it.

• Respond, don’t react: Neutrality under pressure builds trust and keeps dialogue alive.

Each of these skills can be practiced daily in meetings, one-to-ones, and even casual conversations. You don’t have to be a spy to use them; you just have to be intentional.

Closing thoughts: ‘The Spy Who (Listened to) Me’

What struck me most in speaking with Jeremy is how leadership and intelligence work can both start from the same question: What’s really going on here?

Whether you’re debriefing an agent or leading a team, your success depends on your ability to listen without bias, stay curious, and build relationships rooted in trust.

And that’s what “leading like a spy” really means, remembering that it’s not about secrecy or control, but awareness and empathy.

It’s about tuning in to what people are telling you, and what they’re not. Reading tone, context, and motivation, and responding with integrity.

Because at the end of the day, the leader who listens best leads best.

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This was a genuinely educational conversation for me, and I hope you can learn something from Jeremy too, here’s the link to the full discussion: https://smartlink.ausha.co/leading-with-integrity/ep-196-how-to-build-rapport-with-your-colleagues-and-lead-like-a-spy-with-jeremy-hurewitz-leadership-podcasts

Or if you prefer video, then you can also watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/2bOD0BS1kIQ

Tune in again next week to hear from my next guest, Dr Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, we’ll be talking about his somewhat controversial take on authenticity...

Until then: Be a Leader Not a Boss,

- David

In case you don’t know me that well, I’m David Hatch and I’m here to help new managers and first-time founders with their leadership skills, so they can become leaders not bosses, lead with integrity, and build happier, higher performing teams, more effective organisations, and, ultimately: successful businesses.

Tackle that imposter syndrome, build confidence as a leader, expand your knowledge of leadership & management, and… Become the leader you wish you’d had, come join my online leadership community. If you have a healthy love of sci-fi and want to learn more about leadership, then this is the community for you. Solopreneurs also welcome. 😉

Here’s the link: Integrity Leaders: Community membership and learning, for new leaders or first-time founders.