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Listen to this week’s podcast episode, Ep.248: NLP, Imposter Feelings, Leadership and How to Get the Most From Your Own Brain, with Vanda Varga, click here to listen!

Whenever a manager steps into a broader role, steps up to lead a team, or launches a new venture, an immediate shift occurs. The familiar daily tasks that once brought a sense of mastery are replaced by unfamiliar expectations and messy human dynamics. Suddenly, a nagging, internal question surfaces: Do I actually know what I'm doing here?

This week, I was joined on the podcast by Vanda Varga, an accredited Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) trainer, master practitioner and hypnotherapist, we explored what is really happening in our minds during those moments of professional transition, uncertainty, ‘newness’ or challenge. Vanda calls herself a "tour guide to your mind," helping people map out how they think, feel, communicate and interpret the world around them.

Before building her coaching practice, Vanda spent twenty-five years as a neuro-rehabilitation specialist, helping patients with severe conditions like Parkinson's, multiple sclerosis and stroke recover physical movement by retraining their nervous systems. So her experience and expertise is spot on, you’d be hard pressed to find a better person to explain how our brains adapt to change.

Vanda's transition from neuro-rehabilitation to mind coaching wasn't planned in a boardroom, coaching session or (probably?) on a whiteboard. It was forced upon her by her own body; for years she loved her clinical work, pouring every ounce of energy into supporting her patients. But while her clients flourished, Vanda consistently ignored a severe, long-standing back issue. She brushed the pain aside, telling herself she was young and could simply push through the physical strain of rehabilitation work.

Eventually, her body made the decision for her: a severely slipped disc left her bedridden, facing a stark choice: return to physical rehab and risk ending up in a wheelchair, or find a way to transfer her expertise in brain plasticity into a less physically demanding field. She chose to retrain in NLP, launching her business full-time right as the pandemic lockdowns began in March 2020.

Her experience shows a fundamental rule that many managers & business owners ignore: self-care is not a luxury, it’s an absolute necessity. Leaders who view self-sacrifice as a badge of honor eventually run out of fuel, it’s the classic airline safety instruction we’ve all heard before: you have to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else. If you treat yourself like an engine and never take time for maintenance, the engine eventually breaks, leaving everyone relying on you stranded. Leading others authentically starts with taking proper care of yourself.

For many people, the phrase "Neuro-Linguistic Programming" sounds intimidating, academic and overly technical. It carries a heavy label that can make brain science feel distant or manipulative. And I specifically asked Vanda to explain it in a way anyone could understand (especially a layperson like..well, me). Here’s the brilliant explanation she shared with us: the origin of the name itself is almost accidental, co-founder Richard Bandler coined the phrase on the spot when pulled over by a police officer who asked what he did for a living, drawing the words from three separate books sitting on his back seat.

Years later, when asked what he would rename the field if he could start over, Bandler gave a much simpler answer: "Let's Play."

The change in language makes the whole concept feel way more accessible, but it also gives a more accurate description of what NLP is really all about; beneath the scientific terms regarding neural pathways and linguistic coding, the core mechanism is simply an attitude of curiosity and experimentation. It’s about treating your daily work as a laboratory rather than a test.

If you can approach challenges with a playful, curious mindset, you eliminate the paralyzing fear of making a mistake. You adopt the principle that there is no failure, only feedback. Every outcome gives you useful data that helps you adjust your approach and improve next time.

That playful mindset is particularly useful when dealing with imposter feelings, a challenge familiar to every human in the world (most likely) but definitely one that nearly every new manager will have experienced. We hear constant talk about "imposter syndrome" in business circles, as if feeling out of your depth is a chronic medical condition. But as Vanda pointed out, true clinical imposter syndrome affects a tiny fraction of the population. What the rest of us experience are simply imposter thoughts and feelings.

Whenever you learn a new skill, your brain moves through distinct stages of development as you shift from not knowing what you don't know, to realizing how much you have yet to learn. That transition brings an uncomfortable period of confusion. In corporate culture, adults are conditioned to view confusion as a sign of incompetence, but in brain science, confusion is simply the active state of learning that occurs right before a breakthrough.

As Vanda puts it, an imposter thought is just a marble-sized question: Do I know how to handle this specific situation? That question is actually useful, it keeps you humble and prompts you to check your facts. The problem arises when you take that small marble and wrap it in layers of anxious storytelling; assuming a colleague's neutral look means they think you're incompetent, or believing everyone else has things figured out. Soon, you've built that tiny marble into a massive elephant that sits on your chest and makes it hard to breathe.

The goal, then, isn't to eliminate self-reflection entirely, because we need those marble-sized questions to stay sharp and keep learning. The real goal is to answer the question honestly, seek out whatever extra knowledge you need and throw away the elephant (or maybe re-home it/release it back into the wild!!).

When a manager struggles to get their team aligned, they often complain that their people are resistant to change or simply unwilling to listen. But one of the guiding principles of communication is that there are rarely resistant listeners, only inflexible communicators.

Human beings process information through vastly different internal filters… some people need a high-level overview, while others need detailed step-by-step logic. Some thrive on short, bulleted summaries, while others want a comprehensive narrative. If a manager delivers an instruction in a style that suits their own preference and the message fails to land, repeating the exact same words louder or with more frustration won't produce a better result.

If your message isn't getting through, the responsibility sits with you to adjust your delivery. True leadership requires stepping out of your own comfort zone to meet the person in front of you where they are. Observing how your team processes information and adapting your verbal and non-verbal cues ensures your direction is actually understood.

As we’ve seen time and again on the podcast, whenever we have a communications specialist or mindset coach/brain expert; understanding that core misconception at the heart of failed communication is key: the onus is on the communicator, not the listener, to ensure understanding and clarity.

A major driver of workplace anxiety is the habit of constantly comparing what you know to everything you have yet to learn. The expanse of knowledge required to run a business or guide a team can feel completely overwhelming. If you stare continuously at that vast ocean of unknown information, you will naturally feel small, underprepared, anxious.

As Vanda explains, to build grounded confidence you have to turn around and look at what you've already accomplished. Acknowledge your existing skills, the challenges you've navigated, obstacles you’ve overcome and the experience you've built up over time. If you think of that accumulated knowledge as your own lake, then remind yourself that you don't need to master the entire ocean to be an effective manager today.

You simply need to build your daily decisions on the solid ground of what you already know, while remaining open to learning new things as they come up. Recognising your existing progress creates a stable foundation, allowing you to lead with quiet confidence rather than constant self-doubt.

At the end of our discussion, Vanda reflected on the nature of real leadership by referencing the world of trust-based horsemanship, through the lens of trainers like her childhood hero, the late Monty Roberts, who developed methods that completely rejected traditional ‘dominance’ based approaches (where horses were ‘broken’ in a depressingly similar approach to certain management styles….).

Instead of breaking an animal's spirit through force, physical restraint or fear, Monty and his compatriots relied on subtle body language, clear timing, deep observation and building mutual trust. The result is a partnership where the animal actively chooses to cooperate and follow.

Sound familiar?

Those same principles offer a clear metaphor, guideline, for leadership and management of people in work-life. True leadership is never established through corporate decrees, loud commands, authority, power, dominance or rigid control. It’s built when you take the time to understand the people you lead, communicate with flexibility and model the very standards you expect from others.

When you lead yourself with clarity and care, you create an environment where your team willingly chooses to join you. In other words, by being a leader, not a boss.

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Listen to the full episode with Vanda now, at: https://smartlink.ausha.co/leading-with-integrity/ep-248-nlp-imposter-feelings-leadership-and-how-to-get-the-most-from-your-own-brain-with-vanda-varga-leadership

Or, if you prefer video then you’ll find it on YouTube too: https://youtu.be/ZTrQ_a1yONI

Next week, I’ll be joined by Abigail Barnes to talk about productivity, effective leadership and how a near-death experience changed her career trajectory for the better.

I hope you’ll join us, but until then: THANK YOU for reading, listening, supporting Leading with Integrity. There’s no show or newsletter, no future of leadership without each and every one of you.

Be a Leader Not a Boss,

- David

In case you don’t know me that well, I’m David Hatch and I’m here to help you lead more like a Jedi and less like a Sithlord.

If you’re a new manager or first-time leader in a tech, expertise or specialist driven workplace and you’re feeling lonely, stuck, overwhelmed, or simply ready for your next chapter in leadership, the Integrity Leaders Community offers conversations, courses, resources and support to help you grow one step at a time. If you have a healthy love of sci-fi and want to learn more about leadership, then this is the community for you! Solopreneurs also welcome. 😉